What If...

Currently as I type, the world is experiencing a pandemic called COVID-19. At first it seemed far away, like all the other horrible atrocities that are happening "somewhere else". Easy to watch on the news and then walk away and forget. Now however, it has come to our home towns. Somewhere else has become where we live. Most of us are under stay at home orders. For many of us, the world as we know it has stopped for the first time.

This morning it dawned on me that although I have never lived through a pandemic, this is definitely not the first time the world stopped spinning for me. Six years ago, my world stopped when my twelve year old daughter left this existence. I doubted my life would ever be in motion again.

As you sit idly at home, you may be having moments where you feel the same. I know my family has been furiously attempting to come up with some other way to celebrate the Easter holiday while stay at home orders are in place. But what the death of a child taught me is that sometimes no matter how hard you strive, how hard you work, how hard you pray or plan - the results are futile. Sometimes God says No.

Now I come from a very work driven family. My family doesn't work to live, they live to work. Before Taylor's passing I did not have the word no in my vocabulary. I was queen of all the platitudes: "If one door closes, another will open"; "Where there is a will, there is a way"; "Work likes it's up to you, pray like it's up to God"; "Don't decrease the goal, increase the effort". I will be the first to say, hard work has paid off, over and over in my life. There is nothing wrong with grit and determination. But sometimes when the world stops... it doesn't matter how much you kick and claw and work to achieve, the results remain the same.

Now I can tell you, coming to the end of yourself stinks, big time. Helplessness, hopelessness, fearfulness, all of the nesses are terrifying to experience. They leave us feeling lost and alone. Those feelings are valid. However, so is the unseen reality that we are not alone. When life stops - there is God. 

What if this current stillness led us to know that He is God? That when all our efforts fail, He's got this. 

Here is the rub though, the pain you feel of loss - loss of connection with people you love, loss of major life milestones, loss of income, loss of control over your families health, loss of control over what you can purchase at the grocery store - whatever the loss - the pain you feel may stick around. Just because God is there, doesn't mean all the bad circumstances or hard emotions disappear. God is there an an anchor. He was and is and will be. He never changes and He loves you more than you love all the things you are currently feeling a loss over. He loves you more than anything you have ever loved, period. He is love.

So what am I supposed to do with all this pain? Well I am so glad you asked. Six years out, I am beginning to realize the gift of pain. Pain allows us to have deep empathy, true love, for others when they experience pain. I will be the first to tell you, I can be a very self centered person. Left to my natural devices, I would only think about myself. Before losing Taylor, that is mostly what I did. Now however, I feel deeply connected when others experience a major loss. My first thought isn't about my own pain, but how they must be feeling.

Think of pain like water and the selfish places like stone - it takes a great rush of water to carve a path through. The greater the pain, the greater potential impact on our hearts.

What if this Easter we end up all alone at our houses? What if we miss out on a celebration we cherish each year? Will we feel a deep loss? Yes. Could that loss transform our hearts? You bet! What if this time of loss gives us new compassion for people who spend every holiday alone? What if this season of loss helps us think about others we never thought of before? What if somewhere else, never felt like somewhere else, ever again? 

Pain will transform you. It can wreck you and destroy you or if we shift our focus up... it can transform our hearts and mind to be more like the mind and heart of Christ.

Friend, know that you are not alone in this crazy season.