DON'T GIVE UP!

     I have been very slowly reading my way through Romans this summer. I hadn't read it in it's entirety in years. The experience has been life giving and challenging. So much of what we say we believe as Christians is found in that one l book of the bible. I keep coming back to Romans 5:3-5, the verse pictured above. Here is the message translation, parenthesis are mine:

There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know

TROUBLES can develop PASSIONATE PATIENCE in us, and how that PATIENCE in turn forges the tempered steel of VIRTUE, keeping us ALERT (expectant, HOPEFUL) for whatever God will do next. In alert EXPECTANCY such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary - we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!

     Regardless of which translation you prefer the truth here is the same, pain, suffering, trials, tribulations - whatever name you give it - that is just the starting place. Pain is inevitable. We live in a fallen broken world. However I think many have whitewashed our faith to exclude the reality of pain at all. We subscribe more to the American Declaration of Independence which espouses, "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". Being happy is a billion dollar industry. Everybody is striving to get there. But I want to pose it is impossible to attain true happiness outside of the Creator. He is perfect love personified. He created us to be in relationship with Him and every since the original fall, he has been working to reconcile us to perfect LOVE. When we as mere mortals, experience moments of happiness, think about it, those are moments we feel connected to something other than ourselves. Happiness isn't the prize, knowing the ONE who hard wired us for the very concept is.

     Please don't get me wrong. I am not promoting suffering. I hate suffering. God does too. That's why when you get to the end of scripture it states the final plans: "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelations 21:4. But in the meantime, He isn't sugar coating it either. We all die. People we love die. Horrible things happen. Things are messed up, and this is how we know they are, pain. However, if we stick our heads in the sand and pretend that nothing bad will ever happen or ascribe to some philosophy that bad things only happen to bad people, well then our butts are fully exposed. The challenge becomes what to do with pain?

     I finally got around to watching Fault in Our Stars. This was the last book Taylor and I shared. Spoiler alert if you haven't read it or seen the movie you may want to skip this bit. The whole idea of this book was about pain, specifically the pain of losing someone you love. It's easy to see then, why I wasn't anxious to revisit this as a movie. However in watching the movie, and sobbing at times as I related my own pain to Hazel's, I was reminded of this quote: "Pain demands to be felt." It is so true. The more we try to avoid pain, or ignore it, the more damage we do to ourselves. I mean, that is the entire plot to Pixar's latest blockbuster Inside Out. We stunt spiritual and emotional growth when we try and wish the pain away. So let's look at what we are supposed to do with our pain instead.

     According to Romans 5 we need to acknowledge our pain and then give thanks. Having personally lived this day in and day out for a year and a half now - you know, pain that is a 10 - I think this is where people get off target. It isn't saying you should be happy about being in pain. No, pain demands to be felt. It is a balancing act of acknowledging how badly it hurts and then looking to the source. Remember him? The One who said my ultimate plan is no more pain? You give thanks for Him. You rejoice that this isn't all there is. You give thanks that someone loves you so much they have been pursuing you your whole life. You focus on the LOVE that has been poured out to you, over and over in your life, even when you didn't recognize it. He isn't the source of your pain. Pitfall #1 is to feel the pain and get stuck there in a blame game with God. Think about toddlers. They are such great examples of how we often relate to God. Your toddler wants to eat chocolate for lunch, color freely on the walls of your home, and refuse to ever sleep. Are we a mean parent for insisting they eat something with nutritional value, they color on the paper you provided, and they get some very much needed sleep? No absolutely not! What about when they are running full force down a hill and fall and scrap their knees? Is that our fault too? Are we bad parents because the law of gravity exists? Of course not and yet we still scoop them up and help them in all there wailing. If they only focus on the pain they are feeling and refuse to see us as loving people, they will go to a very dark place indeed. The second pitfall we face is when we don't acknowledge the pain at all and try to pretend it's all rainbows and unicorns. Looking at the same toddler analogy, if the child continues to fight the urge to sleep they become more and more irritable. Sure they want to play some more because toys are so fun, but it isn't fun for anyone when the toddler is screaming his/her head off every time the toy doesn't do what he/she wants. My family called this "sideways anger" after we lost T. You know, when you don't properly express what you are really mad and sad about and it all builds up and goes Pompeii on a poor innocent bystander. So to recap, the first part of Romans 5:3 is asking us to acknowledge that we are under it big time and then look to God and give thanks to for who He is.

     What happens if we do this? We build something called perseverance. 

per·se·ver·ance

ˌpərsəˈvirəns/

noun

1. steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

   "his perseverance with the technique illustrates his single-mindedness"

   synonyms:

   persistence, tenacity, determination, staying power, indefatigability,steadfastness, purposefulness; patience, endurance

Here is the part where you don't give up. Every day you may wake up and still feel the pain, and so every day you get to choose again. Do I look to the One who loves me and worship Him? Do I stay at deathcon 4 of anger and explode on everybody? Do I try to pretend something very real doesn't exist and fall into depression or even worse, lose my grip on reality altogether? I've traveled all roads. It's a choice daily, hourly, moment by moment. 

Psalm 121: 1,2

I lift up my eyes to the mountains -

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth

     And after you cultivate perseverance, you get this crazy little thing called character. People are desperate for it these days because we are surrounded by a plethora of people without character. Politicians, celebrities, preachers, teachers, athletes, you name it. Because we have focused on happiness, rather than the source, we have made people devoid of any kind of character famous. We like that they are successful, and we want to be successful too. Isn't that going to make you happy? Apparently not according to our media crazy society. We love to put them on a pedestal and then yank it out from underneath them the first moment lack of character is revealed. They are just people though. People just like you and me. They have to decide daily too. You can't have character without having endured something, and you can't endure if you let the pain crush you or consume you. Character isn't about how tough we are. Bull@#$% ! Character is about letting Christ refine us. It is about 

WHO 

HE 

IS!

Character is a result of becoming a reflective surface for His glory. We become like the moon, only shining when the Sun shines on us.

     This is where we get to the good stuff. The stuff we all want from the start without all the hurdles and other mess. This is where we get to HOPE. 

Without hope, the heart in pain will surely be crushed. It is hope that relieves some of the pain.  Hope that allows us to see a brighter day not colored completely by the pain we feel. Hope is amazing and feels fantastic. I love when I get to the hope part! I think it is wonderful how this passage in Romans 5 ties it all up with not just hope, but God's love. "Now hope does not disappoint, because the LOVE of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." What does the scripture tell us about this Holy Spirit? Again depending on your translation of John 14:26 he is known as: The Comforter, The Advocate, The Helper. Are you getting that? The comforter/advocate/helper is there to allow you to experience the Love of God. Once you experience this, you my friend, have laid hold of hope. So in essence it a circle story. We start out giving thanks for something we cannot see or feel. We give thanks for God's love even when all we feel is pain, and these leads to perseverance, which builds characters, which provides hope, and HOPE allows us to experience, feel, touch the love of God in our lives!

     It all goes back to being a toddler. Do you trust? Even when you cannot understand why life is hard do you trust that He loves you? If you do then you will focus on that love and you will have peace in the midst of the unthinkable. I love you friends. He loves you INFINITELY more.

     

Beauty for Ashes: The Divine Exchange

This is my daughter's urn. My mind is spinning in a thousand different directions and I have erased at least as many words trying to talk about this, her ashes. First of all, no parent ever believes they will bury a child. That is a fear too great, a pain too deep to ponder. If anyone did, they surely would decline having children all together. Secondly, I never in a million years thought anyone I loved would be cremated. Everyone I knew or loved had simply been buried. For me, cremation seemed so much more permanent than burial. I know, the logic is ridiculous. The person is dead either way, but at least with burial, the family gets one last view of the body that housed the person they loved. Ashes speak of total destruction of everything you have loved.

Recently I have been pondering this whole idea of ashes, the ashes in our lives. Losing my daughter is hands down the single most devastating event in my life. I have literal and figurative ashes if you will. However, many people are walking around with figurative ashes. They may not have endured the loss of a child, however the wound in their hearts is just as gaping.

For something to become ash, it has to be destroyed to it's most base state. Have you endured a pain like that? If you haven't, I am willing to bet at some point in your life you will. It's the nature of a broken world. And if you are like me the pain will seem unbearable. There were many days I simply wanted to curl up in the fetal position around her urn and just die too. When you feel like the walking dead, that a sign you have ashes.

Our culture is extremely good at anesthetizing us from pain. We don't do pain or mourning or grief. So many people know they are hurting but they try to pretend like the wound is not there. They try to hide the ashes or reject their very existence. Some of us stay super busy. Some of us go the positive, self-help, pull myself up from boot straps route. Some of us medicate, legally or otherwise. Some of us burn everything that reminds of us the ashes to the ground and walk away to start "a new life". Some of us lash out at everything and everybody as the cause for our pain. Some of us quit life, pull the covers over our head and refuse to participate, or quit all together breathing. There are a million different scenarios. I have tried an assortment myself. The point is we all have ashes.

Recently I had an opportunity to release some of Taylor's ashes in a place I thought she would have loved experiencing. I didn't have any big plans or tell anyone I was doing it. I just felt like it needed to be done. It just so happened that one of my friends accompanied me on this adventure. She asked if she could say a prayer as I released the ashes. I consented. What followed was her praying Psalm 126:

Restore us to our former glory!

May streams of Your refreshing flow over us,

Until our dry hearts are drenched again.

Those that sow their tears as seeds,

Will reap a harvest with joyful shouts of glee.

They may weep as they go out

Carrying their seed to sow,

But they will return with joyful laughter,

And shouting and gladness as they

Bring back armloads of blessing,

And a harvest overflowing!

All I knew in that moment was that I was definitely sowing in tears but there is a promise it will not always be so. I want to be very clear here. I am not espousing a fake it until you make it gospel. The challenge with ashes and the pain that brought them to us, is that it hurts like no other. We have to be willing to acknowledge the pain, mourn the loss, and sow in tears. By nature, we want to skip parts 1,2, and 3 and jump right to the feeling better part. Back in the day when I was young and the queen of denial a very wise woman told me, "You can only experience the highs in life to the same proportions as you have experienced the lows. If you try and keep everything copesthetic, you limit your potential for joy." We need to weep of over the ashes in our lives and mourn the loss that comes with them. We need to acknowledge what brought the ashes to us and feel the loss of no more.

What I also know is after releasing those ashes, I began to experience an overall release. This is called the divine exchange. You give God your tears, He in turn brings healing. It might be hope. It might be joy. It might be trust. You bring the ruins, He provides something more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. The very crux of the gospel as prophesied in Isaiah 53: 4-5 is this: "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our trangressions, He was bruised for our iniquities." The very broken nature of humanity is too blame.  The scripture says we blamed Jesus' pain as punishment from God. We blame our pain on others, on circumstances, on God, on lack of "faith", and on and on... the list is endless. But the good news is, God doesn't care who you blame - He is willing to take our sorrow, our grief, our ashes. 

He has sent (Jesus) to heal the brokenhearted,

To proclaim liberty to the captives, ...

To comfort all who mourn, ...

To give them Beauty for ashes

Isaiah 61: 1,3

What I want you to understand is that this is a DIVINE exchange. There is no formula, no earning it. We release the ashes and He does the rest. It is not instantaneous necessarily or miraculous. Sometimes it just slowly happens one breath at a time. Don't beat yourself up if you are living in the ashes. Just look up. God is big and wild and untamable and He loves you more than anything. So much so that even if your ashes are the result of your own poor choices, He will meet you there. Even when the ashes were the result of something completely out of your control, He will meet you there. He loves you. He feels our brokenness. He mourns with us and He will sit with us in the ashes until we are able to receive beauty.

I was hesitant to write this post. A certain famous American has been in a lot of hot water lately for commenting that parents who were still mourning the loss of their child years later were "stuck". Please hear my heart, this is not what I am trying to say here. It's quite the opposite really. What I am saying is that no amount of anything this side of heaven will ever lift you out of the ashes permanently. Whether it is the loss of a child or a marriage or whatever. It has to be a divine exchange: beauty for ashes. Do I still cry over the loss of my daughter? Regularly. Do I still feel an ache in my heart like no other? Absolutely. However, the shift for me is that I can function now. I can engage in life instead of being on auto-pilot and hiding under the covers. This was my divine exchange. It's nothing we can do except release the "ashes" and let him Him fill our hearts and hands with something beautiful. Letting go does not imply that I am letting go of my daughter, never. My husband said a very wise thing not long after we brought her ashes home. "The way I look at it is that everything we are responsible for making is in there (her urn) and everything God is responsible for making is with Him." I can never let go of Taylor because she is something I cannot hold. She is not the ashes. The ashes are the ruins. God only wants us to exchange the desolate burned out places in our lives for something truly alive. Sometimes you may be fooled like me, and fall in love with the ashes thinking that is all you have left. You may be tempted to curl up around the ashes in your life and lay down and "die".  By letting go, you are not losing anything real. You are only partnering in the divine exchange. Let Him give you beauty for ashes.

You Were Born For Such a Time as This

If you have grown up in the church, or perhaps even in the Bible belt, you probably were regaled with stories about bible "heroes". You know, the flannel board retelling of all the greats like Daniel and Esther. If you happen to be part of the niche that was and is evangelical Christianity you probably attended a harvest party or two in your day dressed as these characters. If you missed it, in short, these were the people we wanted to be when we grew up. We wanted to be the greats like: Joseph, Moses, Daniel, Esther, and Ruth.

There is a song that has been popular for several years now that speaks to this. In fact, we played it at Taylor's memorial because it was one she often blasted through the house:) It's The Anthem by Jake Hamilton/ Jesus Culture. The lyrics state:

I can hear the footsteps of my King

I can hear His heartbeat beckoning

In my darkness He has set me free

And now I hear the Spirit calling me

He's calling

Wake up child

It's your time to shine

You were born for such a time as this

I can hear a holy rumbling

I've begun to preach another King

Loosing chains and breaking down the walls

I want to hear the Father when He calls

This is the anthem of our generation

Here we are God, shake our nation

All we need is Your love

You captivate me

I am royalty

I have destiny

I have been set free

I'm gonna shape history

Read more: Jesus Culture - The Anthem Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

While I wholly believe the lyrics to be true, I have been pondering what this actually means. What does it actually mean to have destiny, to shape history, to be born for "such a time as this". I think the thing I would say to my daughter, were she still here with me, and to my son is that it is all well and good to get pumped about doing great things. However, you need to really stop and consider the whole story behind amazing, awe inspiring people like Esther and Daniel. Esther was an illegal alien living with an Uncle because her entire immediate family was dead. She was an orphan living in a place where many people did not welcome her or "her kind". She risked being killed more than once if it was discovered she was Jewish not Persian and yet she ultimately had to choose to take that risk to safe her people. Yes its nice to think about Esther being the most beautiful, chosen,  a queen, savior of her people, etc. but the harsh reality was the life circumstances leading her to those moments were HARD. She lost everything: her home, her mother, her father. As someone who has lost a family member too soon, it is not easy. I can't imagine losing my whole immediate family. ANd then there is Daniel. Daniel too was a captive in a foreign land, a refugee if you will. It's neat to think about Daniel as having governmental favor, defeating the lions, etc,  

but 

what 

pain 

led 

him 

to 

those 

opportunities?

Everybody wants to do great things, but how many of us are willing to allow the horrible things in life be part of that journey? 

Even if you have been fortunate enough to be spared losing those you love, being displaced from your home, being imprisoned or pressured to be something you're not, even then is your life a reflection of your value? Are you living up to your worth? 

Psalm 4:2,3 speaks to this:

How long, O you sons of men,

Will you turn my glory to shame?

How long will you love worthlessness

And seek falsehood?

But know that the LORD has set apart for Himself, him who is godly.

You were created to bring glory to the creator. It's that simple. How is your life doing that? Have you allowed your circumstances or your choices to bring shame to what should be glory? Are you spending your time and energy on worthless things? The good news is if you read on in Psalms 4 we are given some pointers.

Vs. 4 Be angry, and do not sin.

Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.

vs. 5 Offer the sacrifices of righteousness (right living).

And put your trust in the LORD.

When life go sideways, when people you love die, when you lose your place in the world, when everything just seems to go to... It's o.k. to be angry. The trick is being angry without trying to play god. Don't let your anger consume you, cause your thinking to become warped, trick you into acts of violence, or cause you to curse God or His creation. Accept that you are mad, that's it perfectly acceptable to be enraged, and then keep meditating on the truth found in scripture. You don't have to join a meditation circle or meditate on your bed. It just means be still in all the pain and know that He is there with you feeling every bit of it too. Get quiet and focus on the love He has for you. Trust me, it changes everything.

And when you go out in the land of the living, where everybody else seems magically untouched by the pain your carry, choose to live rightly. Don't try and numb the pain with substances. Don't stay so busy with the worthless things in an attempt to forget the pain. Don't do dumb stuff just because everybody else is doing. It's not always easy. That's why it's called a sacrifice. Choose to do right.

Finally, put your trust in God. Since the very beginning of the story we know as the Bible, the whole scheme of the enemy has been to shake our trust in God. They took the fruit in the garden not because they were curious or hungry but because they believed the lie that God was keeping something from them. The enemy made them lose trust in the Living God. That my friends, is what will keep you from Him now. You can't muster faith on your own. Instead keep the lines of communication open, let Him know when your trust feels wobbly, and meditate on the truth until your faith is restored.

Shining isn't easy. If it was, everyone would be a star!

YOU Can Make a Difference...Yes you!

This is an amazing verse. It's one often quoted on days like Father's Day, but how does that really work? How does God set the lonely in families? Does he ride down on a magic carpet and poof it happens? Of course we know this is ridiculous, but I ask because it seems we have forgotten. We are the hands and feet of God, those of us who claim to have been transformed by Him. 

A few days ago I issued a challenge to find 43 people willing to help the fatherless. With one day left I have only had 19 people respond, with 5 of those being my own family or the Burke's family. I know, I know, there are so many good "causes". It's easy to scroll quickly past and think someone else will do it. 

Although I framed this as a birthday wish for me, I hope we all know it really has nothing to do with me. Please don't do it for me. Do it for the down and out, those who really have no one coming to their aid. Going on a trip like this is life changing because statistics and news reports give way to people, living breathing people like Naomi.

This is Naomi a happy thriving girl with amazing potential. She is smart and funny. This is how Naomi came to be at Heritage House in the words of Lewis Burke:

"When Sokhom asked her (the grandmother) about the children, she said she had sold the oldest three the day before and had only two left.  She seemed to treat the transaction no differently than one would have if selling a pig or chicken. She bragged how she had gotten $25 for each child and was asking how much we would give her for the two youngest.  It took all of my self-restraint to stand there and not respond to this woman in anger.  We told her that we were with Heritage House – Home for Children and that we could not buy children.   

As we went up the steps and entered the house, what I saw lying there is forever engrained in my mind.  Kanah, a five year old little boy, was lying on the floor not moving.  Beside him was his younger sister, Naomi (her name was actually a curse word; we later changed it to Naomi).   Both of them were naked, had high fevers, and were frozen in fear.  Their dark eyes stared at me and I knew that I had to do something to get them help or they might not live.  Kanah weighed twenty-two pounds and Naomi weighed fourteen. "

You can read the whole story here if you want to know more of the harrowing tale.

Naomi was saved on that day by a family who gave up everything to "set the lonely in families". She has a new name and a chance to not only live but to thrive. However, Naomi still lives in Cambodia a land where who you know is everything. The rich getter richer and the poor are lucky to make it. If your dad works for the government, well then you probably will have some opportunities in life, and if not, well too bad. But we know that's not how the upside kingdom works. We know someone of way more importance and value. One way we can give children like Naomi the life they deserve is by sending $10 measly dollars a month. It will mean a world of difference for her.; a chance to attend better schools, which will open up genuine opportunities for her future.

 Let's quit pretending like these kids don't exist or someone else is going to help. Let's take one baby step toward living out a passage of scripture instead of just letting it go in one ear and out the other. Let's practice being a reflection of the SON.

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An Upside Down Kingdom

   One year, six months, ten days, and three hours ago my daughter died. My vibrant, healthy, passionate, God-fearing twelve year old daughter was gone just like that - in a blink of an eye. If you haven't heard that story, you can read here, I only ask you do so with a modicum of compassion (the comments have left me a shell of a human being at times - and yes I have wondered some of the same things - how can a child still die of something so stupid in this day in age...). This is every parent's worst nightmare, one that you think will never happen to you. I discovered it is a nightmare you live over and over every day when you wake up and realize all over again - that a person you carried inside your body, that you poured your very existence into day in and day out - is gone...FOREVER...The End. A part of you, the essence of you, dies with your child. And that is how I have been walking around for the last year and a half: the walking dead - feeling like a shell of a person. This comes with a whole other set of grief as you mourn the loss of yourself in relationship to other people. You know what an amazing wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend you were before your child died and now you feel like you are letting the whole team down...one breath at a time...every day... disappointing.

     However, the other thing I was when my daughter died was a believer in Christ. God had done some pretty amazing things for me over the course of my life. I had been raised in the church and really established a relationship of my very own with God when I was 19 years old. That relationship had sustained me through ups and downs, but mostly I had led a pretty sweet life. I enjoyed going to church and singing songs about how great God is. When my daughter died I had to ask myself, so do you really believe all that stuff or not? My daughter had believed, all on her own, with every fiber in her. I'm not gonna lie, initially that helped me not curse God and die, but as weeks turned into months, and months turned into a year - the pain of losing her seemed so much bigger than anything I could ever believe. Church was one of the most painful places on the planet for me because she was everywhere in that building. I could visualize her worshipping on the front row, hands raised, singing off key at the top of her lungs. It was where we held her memorial and said goodbye to her. It became the last place on earth I wanted to be. And yet I kept believing. I couldn't pray or have faith for anything - how could I trust that God would not say no just like he said no to healing my daughter's body? But I reread scriptures that were important to her. I listened to meaningful worship songs at home as I sobbed and sobbed. I still believed that God is good and true and real and loves us more than anything, I just didn't feel it anymore. Occasionally I would just repeat scripture or truths from hymns as I heaved and blubbered. I told God I didn't feel it but I was choosing to say it anyway. I believed in Him before, I was going to believe in Him now.
   
      This is how I ended up at a mission's conference at my church shortly after the one year anniversary of my daughter dying. Yes the place that was the most painful for me, I went willingly, because I felt like I needed to be there, for some reason. I knew missions was so important to Taylor and it devastated me that she never made it out of the country on a trip. So I reasoned, I would go for Taylor. Speaker after speaker were so impacting but I felt emotionally disemboweled when one speaker stated the following: "The world encourages us to find ourselves. God encourages us to lose ourselves. Look at Stephen (Acts 7). He was so equipped and yet God in all His wisdom allowed him to die." Folks, I went into the ugly cry right there in the midst of a daytime conference. You see my daughter was one of the most promising people. Teachers, fellow students, friends, everyone who encountered her thought so. She had so...much....potential. And yet, I was there as she died, and heard her last words, "I'm sorry." I furiously tried to breath life back into her, tried to pound it back into her, there was no reason I should not have been successful. I have pondered those words she said after her body initially collapsed. She briefly came to, looked straight at me and said, "I'm sorry." She was not an apologetic girl. She didn't coyly dole out sorry. No Taylor would never rarely apologize for her opinions or actions and only then when it was justifiable and necessary. False humility and shrinking back were not in her nature and when you read the many journals she left behind - there was no deep secrets for which an apology was necessary. I knew, even in that moment, that she had seen the face of God in that first moment of unconsciousness, and she chose Him. She came back just long enough to tell us she was sorry, because she loved us, but she was choosing to be there. Taylor was a Stephen. I needed a passport.

     A couple of months later long time friend, Kristen Burke of Lighthouse Ministries, called me out of the blue. I've been praying about who to take to Cambodia and I felt like God said I should ask you. What do you think?" I was all in, no questions asked. I had no idea what God could possibly do through me or why I was going, but I was going. I posted a fundraising video on my Facebook page and the response was overwhelming. O.k., now I was REALLY going. I didn't feel any differently. I still felt like the same shattered shell of a human being. I talked with my mom a few days before I left telling her that I had no idea why I was going on this trip and definitely felt like I had nothing to give.

     As Lewis Burke drove Kristen and I to the Atlanta airport for our departure he shared the following with me: "I feel like you think you are going on this trip for one reason, but God has another reason in mind." I knew it was true as soon as the words left his lips. Honestly, I could not put into words why I was going on this trip other than to try to honor the dreams of my daughter. A few days later on the trip, I would open a letter from my pastor/brother-in-law Jeff Oakes. His words echoed those of Lewis. You think you are going for one purpose, but God has something else in mind. We went to the orphanage. I played with the kids. I shared when asked to share, but nothing earth shaking happened. I didn't feel any differently. I was just trying to be obedient, to put one foot in front of the other, to shut up and to serve. On our last night at the orphanage we prayed for each of the children. Afterwards Vutha, the local pastor and current administrator at the orphanage said he had a bible story to share with Kristen and I. We had been listening to the children share bible stories all week that Vutha had taught them so this seemed more of the same. Then he began to share the story from Acts 3 of the lame man being healed. I knew the story, but as soon as he began to speak it, I knew it was a life changing word for me. I knew it was Father God saying, "You are asking for one thing, but I am going to give you something so much greater." As Vutha told the story of the lame man asking Peter and John for some money I began to weep. However, these were not the bitter tears I had been unable to control for the last year and a half of my life. Instead, these were cleansing tears. Tears of deep joy, at feeling seen and understood, feeling loved and cared for all at the same time. I had been looking anywhere and everywhere for a little respite from my pain. Like the lame man, I was seeking so desperately to take care of myself, provide for myself in all the lameness that is losing a child but here was God breaking in to give me so much more to heal my broken heart, to make me feel like a real person again.

    

      For the remaining days of the trip I began to feel lighter and lighter. By the time my feet walked through my front door in East Tennessee I was feeling every bit the hopeful girl I had been for 41 years of my life before the unthinkable happened. I went to honor my daughter. God went to give me hope and life once again.
   
      I titled this very long blog post "The Upside Down Kingdom". Shortly after Taylor died, I heard the words "upside down kingdom" rattling around in my head and knew God was trying to say His ways are not our ways. I meditated on the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5) for many months after she passed, the very crux of upside thinking. Little did I know that God would take this Westerner who had led a very charmed life all the way to the Third World to heal her. Missions isn't about us exporting some American dream, riding in our white horse to save the "less fortunate". Missions is about all people, in every tribe and every tongue, encountering the One who created them and loves them more than anything. I am one of those people and God used a Chinese pastor living in Cambodia to care for me. He was the missionary, not me. Yes, maybe I had the means to travel across the world, but He had the something greater than silver and gold. He had the living God who cares for me inside of him. I don't know why my daughter died or why God had me go half way around the world to give me my life back. I quit needing all the answers a long time ago. All I know is that He is real. He is everything good and right. Death and mess of this world were never his plan and He has been working mysteriously every since to reconcile us all back to perfect Love.